What happens when you give yourself permission to do what you feel called to do? Let the “I must” and “guilt” demons go on vacation. Just learn to be in the moment and honor what comes. Do you starve to death, get lazy or do amazing things evolve like the metaphysical gurus all tell you will happen.
I was happy to sign up for my own personal experiment. Well happy might not be the accurate word but willing wouldn’t be to much of a stretch. After listening to my inner urgings and guidance to leave my “job” (described in detail on the Back Story page) I have vowed to listen to my gut and do as I am told. I thought this break from “reality” would be for 3 months. I’m writing this 14 months later. Im not living under a bridge and the future looks better than great!
In the beginning I was tired, and foggy. Not what I had expected as a free women. Money wasn’t an issue, as I had saved in my usual way, preparing for the inevitable down time that I always required in my life. Why wasn’t I happy, I had nothing to be unhappy about. This is the inevitable question in my life, the elephant in the room. Was the 10 year quest of happiness just a pipe dream? Were the psychiatrists right? Should I just sign my life away to psychotropic drugs and get used to being depressed? This didn’t ring true for me and the one thing that always came back to me was a description I used when I was really, really depressed. I would tell my therapists and friends, “I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I just hope its not a train..” They assured me it wasn’t a train and that I was lucky, most depressed people; don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t feel very lucky but still had faith there was a way out of this life of bleakness and despair.
The experiment actually started about 9 years ago. I was suicidal and battling the constant urges to check out, after numerous diagnosis’ and attempts at treating my mental disorder. I vowed that for once in my life, I was going to invest in me! I would spend every cent I had to find happiness and once I was broke and still not happy, I gave myself permission to check out, commit suicide what ever you want to name it, end of game! It was the last ditch effort, the Hail Mary pass of my life. I was going to spend every cent if I had to, I was going to find peace, happiness, purpose and joy in this life. The condition was that these things would all come without the aid of illicit drugs, alcohol or other mind altering substances. In a brief explanation(if you want the full story, see the Back Story page) I have been free from psychotropic drugs for 9 years, utilizing an anti-anxiety rarely and depending on healthy relationships, natural supplements, alternative treatments, meditation and stress reduction to live a relatively un-depressed life.
My last job challenged me greatly to stay un-depressed. I had resumed a pattern of over stressing myself, working with a chaos king, and trying to fix someone that didn’t want to be fixed instead of realizing the situation was not conducive to my mental health. I was barely managing to stay un-depressed and had chronic and phantom pain, extreme fatigue and very little joy in my life.
So that is how this phase 2 of the experiment came to be. This phase was how do I tweek the initial phase and find a suitable, soul fulfilling method of supporting myself, serving my purpose and finding the self that was ready to be happy not just un-depressed.
So what is happening you ask?
Im not a fast learner but I am a learner and more importantly a changer.
Lets start with a few important philosophy’s that are currently on my radar and help regulate my life.
ÿ The definition of insanity is continually doing the same thing and expecting different results.
ÿ Do the difficult and life becomes easy: I used to think that if something felt uncomfortable or uneasy it wasn’t meant to be. I started taking the things that I felt an edge about and going towards them instead of away from them. What an incredible lesson this has been. Even if I don’t get the result I want, I feel better that I have challenged that feeling and I usually find a gem of a lesson. It’s also true that if I am doing items that are related in attaining my dream of the Intuition Tour that I can lift myself up from a dismal day or propel myself to incredible highs. This has lead to the next bit of wisdom.
ÿ Effortless living is my goal:
ÿ I chose how I feel! This is not to say that I am free of fatigue, brain fog, phantom pain and depression this just says that I have found a different way of being in relationship with it. If I truly believe that in life there are not mistakes then I have to honor the way I am feeling and do what I can to notice, accept or take steps to utilize the feeling. For example. I have been noticing that if I suddenly get very tired, I honor that tiredness and go lay down to rest. Consistently I come up with these amazing ideas as my head clears of the daily clutter.